It's been a while since i felt this pain. The wound that I thought that healed wasnt totally healed.

It's still hurts,  that will be the first line for this post.

I'm really sorry for being so difficult,  difficult to love and understand. 

I'm sorry if I cannot be the same person that you once knew. 

you changed me,  I changed you.  All the things that happened today is not your fault. 

Maybe it is just me.  The "me"  that you don't know right now,  the new me. Sorry if I can't fulfill the promises that I said before. Everything is not in place,  everything is broken right now.  I cannot be the same person that you knew,  the same person that you love all these years. 

My  life is a mess and I am a mess and miserable. You saved me before but right now you can't. 

I'm drowning with all of these negative thoughts and emotions,  emotions that built a wall between us. 

No one can save me right now,  even you. 

By the way, I really  don't know why do you keep holding on?  what's the purpose that? why are you being a martyr?  I wanna know the real reason behind it. 

I lied,  I cheated on you, I hurt you. 

I did  everything for you to hate me.... HATE ME AND LEAVE ME.

but

whyyyyy!???? 

why are you still here? 

Is it really love that makes you stay?  or is it the thought  and the regret for wasting your time all these years that we've been together?

I want you to leave me,  leave me alone. 

I don't want to hurt you anymore,  I don't want to break you into pieces. 

I once made you my world,  you'd been my whole world,  everything revolves around you. 

But there's really no certain in this world.  Everything changes,  even my love and feelings for you. 

Lemme me just say this, 

This is not something that will keep us together again. Maybe this is something that will hurt and make the both of us cry. 

We thought that we're meant to be but we're not. 

Thank you for everything that you did in our relationship, Thank you for making me feel loved and unloved at the same time. 

Thank you for loving me despite of all the flaws that I have. Thank you for every moments that you make me feel alive

But, I really am sorry 

I need you to let go,  to let go on everything that happened between us.   I don't want to hurt you anymore.  I don't want to be a bad person anymore. 

Good bye and thank you. 

-Debhie

                      I'd been living for 21 years on earth but still finding the purpose of life. Each day is a survival for me. Looking for the right words and for the right meaning to be alive. I'd been in a prison for so long. Since, the day that I was born, there is always someone who tells we what to do, and what choice will have to choose. Comparing me to others and telling me that you should be like this and like that.

Long time ago, I am this happy and cheerful girl ever since. But, what slaps me? and became this so dramatic person? I dunno? Maybe i'm just tired of it.
                    I'm tired listening and doing the things that someone else want. "do this, do that." Perhaps, the ultimate price for obedience is a loss of your wholeness and becoming someone else. Let me tell you a short story of my life that happened a while ago.
                    I told someone that I want to pursue a doctoral in veterinary medicine, I'm expecting for some support.......But, what did I just received? a laughed and a two words "edi wow". It really leaves an open wound to me. Maybe it's because it is someone you expected that will support you all throughout. It really hurts me inside and out.

----

                     I am this girl who they expected me to be, someone they thought that was strong and independent but little do they know, I am just this small girl who needs someone, someone that will tell that being alive is a great thing, someone who will support me not just in the beginning but all throughout the years. We are all dependent no one is an island right? no one can live alone by themselves. Since at the very moment that we were born we were complex, dependent creature with a never-ending cycle of needs.
                    Let's see how this perilous pilgrimage of my ends. Gonna try to free myself out of this prison.

Today, tomorrow, and yesterday do not exist; everything that was, still is. Let's try to break this negativity I have right now with a positivity that everything will be alright at the right moment.