I'm really sorry for being so difficult,  difficult to love and understand. 

I'm sorry if I cannot be the same person that you once knew. 

you changed me,  I changed you.  All the things that happened today is not your fault. 

Maybe it is just me.  The "me"  that you don't know right now,  the new me. Sorry if I can't fulfill the promises that I said before. Everything is not in place,  everything is broken right now.  I cannot be the same person that you knew,  the same person that you love all these years. 

My  life is a mess and I am a mess and miserable. You saved me before but right now you can't. 

I'm drowning with all of these negative thoughts and emotions,  emotions that built a wall between us. 

No one can save me right now,  even you. 

By the way, I really  don't know why do you keep holding on?  what's the purpose that? why are you being a martyr?  I wanna know the real reason behind it. 

I lied,  I cheated on you, I hurt you. 

I did  everything for you to hate me.... HATE ME AND LEAVE ME.

but

whyyyyy!???? 

why are you still here? 

Is it really love that makes you stay?  or is it the thought  and the regret for wasting your time all these years that we've been together?

I want you to leave me,  leave me alone. 

I don't want to hurt you anymore,  I don't want to break you into pieces. 

I once made you my world,  you'd been my whole world,  everything revolves around you. 

But there's really no certain in this world.  Everything changes,  even my love and feelings for you. 

Lemme me just say this, 

This is not something that will keep us together again. Maybe this is something that will hurt and make the both of us cry. 

We thought that we're meant to be but we're not. 

Thank you for everything that you did in our relationship, Thank you for making me feel loved and unloved at the same time. 

Thank you for loving me despite of all the flaws that I have. Thank you for every moments that you make me feel alive

But, I really am sorry 

I need you to let go,  to let go on everything that happened between us.   I don't want to hurt you anymore.  I don't want to be a bad person anymore. 

Good bye and thank you. 

-Debhie

                      I'd been living for 21 years on earth but still finding the purpose of life. Each day is a survival for me. Looking for the right words and for the right meaning to be alive. I'd been in a prison for so long. Since, the day that I was born, there is always someone who tells we what to do, and what choice will have to choose. Comparing me to others and telling me that you should be like this and like that.

Long time ago, I am this happy and cheerful girl ever since. But, what slaps me? and became this so dramatic person? I dunno? Maybe i'm just tired of it.
                    I'm tired listening and doing the things that someone else want. "do this, do that." Perhaps, the ultimate price for obedience is a loss of your wholeness and becoming someone else. Let me tell you a short story of my life that happened a while ago.
                    I told someone that I want to pursue a doctoral in veterinary medicine, I'm expecting for some support.......But, what did I just received? a laughed and a two words "edi wow". It really leaves an open wound to me. Maybe it's because it is someone you expected that will support you all throughout. It really hurts me inside and out.

----

                     I am this girl who they expected me to be, someone they thought that was strong and independent but little do they know, I am just this small girl who needs someone, someone that will tell that being alive is a great thing, someone who will support me not just in the beginning but all throughout the years. We are all dependent no one is an island right? no one can live alone by themselves. Since at the very moment that we were born we were complex, dependent creature with a never-ending cycle of needs.
                    Let's see how this perilous pilgrimage of my ends. Gonna try to free myself out of this prison.

Today, tomorrow, and yesterday do not exist; everything that was, still is. Let's try to break this negativity I have right now with a positivity that everything will be alright at the right moment.

Everyone is difficult to love, we all make mistakes cause we're just a human.
We always find someone who is difficult to love but still, we stayed coz that's what love is.
I've been in a different relationship, different person. All of them failed, failed to be with me, to withstand the kind of attitude that I have.
It's hard not to miss all those little things that someone gave to you, to pretend everything is alright even though your world is falling apart.  It's hard to prevent your expectation on someone, It's hard to love other people for who they really are without feeling the itch to change them.
It's hard to understand them, hard to think what they thinking, if they really love you.
You keep on thinking about how they feel about you, each night you're wide awake and can't even sleep because of the thought that "he/she don't really love you". Maybe they are just by your side because of sympathy, because they think you can't handle it.
It is really hard to keep loving someone.
Some nights, You just feel like giving up coz you'd been hurt.
Some nights, it feels that maybe the absence of love will solve it all.
Some nights, you think that you can't live without them.
Loving someone is never easy it makes your heart and mind explode.
When I think about giving up, stop loving him, hurt him.......
I remember all the memories we have, I remember how holding him made me felt.
I remember every single time. My laugh when I am with him, how he makes me feel to be me, to be myself.
I remember every time he accepts all my flaws, all my tantrums with nothing but love in his eyes.
I remember everything.....
Maybe it is not easy to love someone. Maybe, live will be mush less messy and much easier if we were always detached.
But where will find the sparks then? the sparks that make you feel alive.
If love is not always the solution , then what it is?

For starter, we have this what you called blog post challenge with my bessy ariane. So this will be the first category.
What can you say about yourself?  There's a lot of things that you can say about yourself good or bad. But, right now I will tell 20 things about me.

Ohayo minna-san!

1. My nickname is:


Woooh! yah, my nickname is debhie cause my name is deborah wahhh thats why. ^_^ though, I really love my nickname don't even know why? maybe because for me it's kinda kawaii.

2. A biotechnology student
Meanwhile, I'm currently a 4th year college student of bachelor science in biology major in biotechnology. I really love science since I was a child so here I am on the field of science. Enjoying my life in inventing,experimenting and discovering things that are not yet discovered.
PS: Just wanna say that this photo is plant tissue culture of sundew ♥

3. Girl who loves hello kitty
 
To those persons who doesn't know yet, I am girl who really loves hello kitty with my whole heart. Love collecting hello kitty stuffs, love taking picture with hello kitty on it. I REALLY LOVE HELLO KITTY with the bottom of my heart.

4. Girl who loves animal
























I love animals, all animals whatever the specie it is. I love them with my whole heart♥
I wanna take care and save them. I don't want a species of animals to be extinct. One of my passion is in them.♥ Let us protect animals! No matter what specie it is, big or small.

5. An OTAKU



This is well obvious, I am an otaku. I love reading manga, watching animes and doing cosplay. Sometimes, I wanna be an anime character because they are kawaii.


6. I love kawaii things, because I think I'm cute lol! just kidding :DD
7. I am a sweet and jealous person hihihi! well, all of my friends knows it. Sometime I'm being "Pabebe". HAHAHAHA XD
8. I love collecting kicks or shoes, I rather buy shoes than clothes.
9. I am a clumsy person, whenever I wanna make myself perfect, wanna do something beyond myself. I always end up doing clumsy things. Hahaha it's my nature. (lalo na kung namamadali)
10. I am a sensitive and an insensitive person.
11. I really love watching different films/ movies. It relieves my stress and pain
12. I love photography and I love modeling, though I don't have the guts and the height for it.

13. I super duper love sweets,candies,chocolates anything sweet. Maybe, because I'm a sweet person.....HAHAHAHA labya all
14. I understand how precious time is. Time is free but priceless, that you can't own it but you can spend it wisely or unwisely.
15. I love small things, even though it's just a small things I value it. Because you never know how big a thing is if you don't appreciate small things.
16. I am a short-tempered moody person, I get angry when someone make fun of me but I cannot get mad for too long just a reaction I think? Hahaha moody me XD
17. I love it when I see things the way I want to see them. But I also make sure that no one notice it unless I disclose about it.
18. I am a fast learner, If I want to know something or want to do something that I didn't know yet, I can learn by self thought or by someone explaining it to me by lil time.
19. I have a loud and big voice. Sometime, people thinks that I am arguing when I'm talking though it's just my normal voice. I really can't adjust it no matter what I do.
----- OT: I love fall out boy, I'm a no. 1 fan of them hihihi. FOB FOREVER♥
20. I am a believer of Christ, though sometimes I'm doubting my faith. But, still I believe in Him with the bottom and my whole heart. ♥ To God be the glory! +

Finally! After all these days, I'd finally feel this way. It feels like I've been given an amnesty. For these five months, I've been in doubt and confusion because of all the things that happened. My heart that have been torn and break into pieces had been renewed. I'd been finally able to walk out in the cell that I am in for so long.
Been in a relationship where I gave my everything. All my first in a relationship; My first kiss, hug and I could say my first love (Yes, he is my first love). Our relationship last for three years and I really treasure everything we have, everything that happened when we were together. I still reminisce everything.... everything (in detail), I'd been in love with him cause he gave me something that I want, something that I'd been searching for. Yes, we always fight like the other couple because it's natural, but no matter how the things turn out we always have each other. We've been true to each other and we love each other. But, maybe love is not really enough for a person to stay. It's always been him for three years I never even think of someone to love except him. But, why did he make me feel miserable and make me feel those pain that I felt. He just let me go after all those years that we have and after a month when I met someone who saved me from drowning into sorrow. He came back and said that he truly love me? What the heck?! Am I just a thing for ya? when you want to let go you can? and when you want it you can have  just as you wish? I loved him, I truly loved him when we were together. But he just taken it for granted all of the love that I have for him. I didn't expected all of these things to happened between him and me. I never regret that we'd been together for three years, he became part of me "PART OF MY FAMILY". Even though all these things happened, even though I'd been hurt. I DIDN'T REGRET LOVING HIM....... I loved you but it's enough farewell my dear! No matter how you love someone you cannot always be with each other. Love is not enough for someone to stay, all it takes is an effort. Effort not to let go the one you love.


Thank you for everything, Thank you JAJA :)
I'd finally able to stand up and walk out on this cell. I'd been FREE,
all the things that in my mind have finally found a conclusion. No more doubts and confusions.



To the person who make me feel loved and at the same time a sh*t

Thank you for everything ,for making me special for 3 years , Thank you for loving me, Thank you for your patience when I had mood swing, Thank you for all your efforts; no matter how big or small. THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
Thank you for letting me go at least I'd found someone who can never let me down.




FAREWELL and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF ALWAYS!




Your sweetest ilong,
debhie