Dear my angel,

This month is probably your birth month. But, because of me you won't be turning one.

You're supposed to be the greatest gift in the world but I took you for granted. You don't know how shameful and regretful I am right now.

I missed you and I want you back but I know it's impossible. Baby, you don't know how I long to hold you in my arms. I always think about you and wish that I could bring back the time that you were still with me. If only I can do that I would do things so differently. I won't choose him over you. I was scared and afraid that I will be alone raising you. I am really sorry for it. Please forgive me, my baby. For not giving you the life you deserved. Also, Sorry my little one for not showing how beautiful the world is. I really can't wait to meet you in heaven one day. Then I will finally know what you look like. I know in my heart that you are one of the most beautiful humans that could ever be. I can't wait to see your smile, to hear you laugh. I really can't wait for it!!!! I love you, always my dear one.

My baby, I will promise that in the future even though you were already gone that I will be a mom you needed. I will love your future sibling with the love and warm that I wish that I would have given you. 

I promise, every year I will honor you and celebrate the day that you should have been born. No matter how busy I am, I will always remember you. I will always hold you in my heart forever.

Month of August is your month. Wish you were here with me.

To all women out there,

Hey you. No matter how scared you are, don't make the same mistake that I did. No matter what situation you have please choose your child over anything. They are a blessing from above. The longingness that you will have are forever so please. DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE that I did.

The happiness that your child will bring when they are born is priceless. No matter if you're a single mom or not the life of the kid that you will have is more than enough.

My days without you were much easier. The tears underneath my eyes were gone which represent that I no longer mourn over you. The dark days were over. I am completely over the curse that you'd given. Leaving you was really the right thing to do. Because you know what? I deserved more, I deserved more than this. But????? All you ever gave me was a life full of misery. A love that asks for permission.

Here's what you failed to understand instead of harming me, harming my heart by the lies you've made. Don't feed me with lies then judge me for walking away to chase the truth. You were supposed to protect me, to protect my heart. Because all these times I've been honest with you, with our relationship but you cheated on me. You'd hurt me as if you don't really know. Then, why are you acting like you're the victim here? I sacrificed everything for you, even our own child and instead of paying and giving it back you left me empty. I even left the man who loved me more than he loves himself. Because I had loved you more than myself which destroyed me.

I thought and I swore that you are worth it but you treated me like shit. I kept giving you my trust but then you keep on betraying it. You worthless piece of shit!

I really thank God for giving me a chance and courage to leave someone like you. You were the habit that I couldn't break until I did it was always easier said than done. But, YES!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!

Love,

Debhie

Turning my back from negativity that 2019 gave me and facing 2020 with confident and positivity. Thank you G! for making me alive.

2019, a tough year. A year where I've been through a lot of circumstances that left a permanent scar in me. A sin that cannot be forgiven. I really don't know where to start because of it. Because of loving someone, because of choosing him. I did it. I did it. I even destroyed myself. Even though it is against my will. I felt lost and empty in this imperfect world. How will I put my life back? how will I start over again? How? How?
This are the questions that's been circling in my mind.
To you:
I was there when you were down. I even sacrifice all of me just for some of me for someone like you. "You" who's not even worthy to be love, you that I thought that save me from misery. But, nah YOU ARE A PSYCHO HAHAHAHA!

back to the topic.
I thought everything will be left behind in the year 2019 but facing 2020 is really something...... 

It's opening up again....  and againnn....

and the pain that I didn't feel these past few months is here.

little by little it breaks me. I wanna be whole but why do you keep doing this to me? just by your presence.